It’s been a little over eight years since I discovered my husband had been cheating on me.
I still remember that night quite well, but it doesn’t hold any pain for me now. We were sitting in a hotel room down in London, preparing for a property training course the next day. I casually glanced at a workbook which my husband had completed during a recent Tony Robbins personal development seminar and a question caught my eye. “What do you regret most in life?” it asked, and there in my husband’s distinctive handwriting he had written the words “being unfaithful”.
As I said, that night was eight years ago and the journey to the present day has been interesting. Lots of highs and lows but I can, hand on heart, say that I’m really glad the infidelity happened because we have an amazing relationship now and I know that we wouldn’t have that, if things had drifted on as they were.
Today I’m going to talk about my husband’s background. You see, whilst he admitted to one affair that fateful evening, in the coming months he admitted to another 22 affairs, spanning our entire 23 year marriage.
As a charismatic young police officer and then a successful business owner, Pete had no end of opportunities to sleep with women and I honestly had absolutely no idea. However when it all came out, he wept as he realised how damaged he must be to even think that this way of life was acceptable and slowly I began to feel sorry for him, my own pain and feelings of worthlessness fading into something more comfortable. Empathy. Or was it really sympathy? I certainly enjoyed feeling like he was the broken one and I the magnanimous saviour who could show mercy in almost a superior way. It beat feeling wretched anyhow.
As one of four boys, Pete had struggled to maintain attention growing up and became obsessed with being the best.... the fastest, the smartest, the wittiest, the most charming ....he says he never felt unconditionally loved by his parents even though they did the best they could for their four sons. At the age of eight he went away on a scout camp and that weekend he was sexually abused by a scout master. He enjoyed it. It was a powerful mixture of new sensations, personal attention and the guy told him he loved him. Something he had never heard his parents say. Sadly it set the scene for a sex addiction which was to occupy most of his waking moments for the next 38 years.
As we both became aware of his (and indeed my) need for some kind of therapy or support, we turned to the internet and discovered a guy in the US who had written books on the vital importance of unconditional love. His work resonated with us and after a few weeks of reading, Pete decided to contact him. This led to us taking a flight to America and spending some time with him.
Over the 3 days we talked with this Author/Counsellor, I felt something shift in Pete. It was like he had put down a huge weight and taken off a body suit to reveal someone softer, someone more open and infinitely more vulnerable. I liked it. A lot. I also felt beautifully loved and accepted such that my own hurt dropped away too.
And Pete now? Well, those three days were the start of a transformation during which he blossomed into the real Pete Uglow. Gone were the days of him needing to be the best, of thinking about sex every waking moment, of feeling unloved and needing to prove himself. He found a gentleness inside that meant he also wanted to help others achieve the same level of peace.
You see that’s the phenomenal power of unconditional love. Even a stranger can deliver it. Even a teaspoon of it is healing for your soul.
We all desperately need unconditional love in our lives and we need to know how to find it and how to show it to others. But most importantly, we need to know what it is. We need to put aside our belief that we already do know about it and embrace the idea that it’s something we have been misled about. Only with humility are we ever able to learn something new.
Are you ready?
Written by Nikki Uglow
"We were the perfect couple, that’s what everyone thought, and we did too! My whole life was perfect. I was raised perfectly, or so I thought... until all the perfection exploded into little bits of years of pent up anger, victimhood and pain.
My husband had an affair and all my world crumbled.
I desperately tried to keep us together and it got worse as I tried helping him be accountable, still not trusting him, making sure my friends and family app was monitoring his every move. This behaviour was not building love and trust it was pushing him away.
I then connected with Pete Uglow and from the first moment I spoke with him and shared some of my drama, his calm and quiet conversation with me sparked hope. I felt no shame, guilt or fear. I liked feeling this way and wanted to know how to feel better.
We started our journey in finding what loving looks like my hurt, anger and heart healed. It now seems like a million years ago...
There are moments that I just look up and am so grateful for finding the road to real happiness.
As I look back over the last couple of years I’m thankful for my journey, the hard and prickly bits, and now the joy and peace I feel is priceless. I’m grateful for the lifetime I have to grow and experience unconditionally loving my husband. "